about my sexual desire, possible tmi.

https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2013/12/13/differentiating-sexual-attraction-and-sexual-desire/

I experience sensual attraction and desire and generally want to fulfill that by hugging and leaning on people and stuff like that, mostly upper-body stuff, although lower body is not off-limits or completely unenjoyable*.

I experience arousal thinking about some people, and want to do some kind of touching with them in response to that arousal, but I'm not sure ~what~.

I've been calling myself asexual because I have been generally disgusted by "hand jobs" and piv, and I don't have an urge (like the attraction described in the acetheist post) for either.

But I don't seem to have an urge for *any* specific thing relating to that arousal, just a vague desire to do ~something~ about it, so

I want to try new things to see if anything is satisfying/enjoyable.

and I am also tentatively willing to try *those* two things again, because maybe those individual experiences were just bad.

I've also considered the possibility that body dysphoria is a reason I don't like genital contact, and I'm still not sure if that's right.

* I've really liked [name] touching my leg with his hand, whereas I've at most tolerated that from other people.

triple, quadruple, etc.

A thing I want is to be in a "relationship" that consists of more than 2 people.  I put "relationship" in quotes because it's a poorly defined word.  I'm not sure what makes this kind of relationship different from the ones I have with my parents and cousins and stuff.  There is a difference between a family relationship and a friend relationship, and I don't know if I can explain it, but I feel the difference very clearly.  But I can have both with one person.  But this other thing, I'm not exactly sure how it's different from family or how it's different from friends.  I think it is different, but it's all muddled in my mind.
But there's a thing I want.  I wonder why.  I've tried to make it happen here and there, by asking people if they were interested, and no one is interested, except possibly one person, but it doesn't work for the two of us if there's no third person.
Maybe if I ever got to actually try it, I could figure out why I want it, or I could figure out that I actually don't want it.
I don't have a specific number in mind other than "more than 2", but maybe if I ever actually got to try it, I'd find that I have a more specific preference.

I've made this blog ...

... with the intention of posting things here that I actually want other people to read.  As opposed to my other blog which is just rambling nonsense most of the time.